no one but me hurts me and I chose to not hurt myself so this works out great. That stimulation is mixedpartly pleasurable but partly disturbing. Ive done meditations but I cant help but feel that I only see my wife as a friend. Things did not work out as he expected in Charelston, he expected to find me there, not get a key from the ombudsman and told I was in the mid west at his fathers, for four days he took the exams for proficiency in his rate, took the final discharge exams in medical, Arranged for the pickup of the storage area the apartment furnishings and my things were stored to be sent back to where we were going to live. Literally zero. I had to tell him that my body didnt enjoy sex anymore. Im sorry that you have had such horrible experiences with men. He just doesnt understand or listen to me. My foot was not off the aircraft ten minutes when we discovered he was going to set back the vacation scheduals for hundreds because he wanted his three weeks the day I flew in. Crape Dieum Or seize the day. Is that something you would ever consider? She feels guilty and she doesnt want us to break up. BUT (IF) youre Not bringing him satisfaction , then ARE YOU teasing him, and WHY? If you have any family who will help you with the process call on them. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. Just somethings for you to think about. I dont know if that will ever change. In your situation, where your wife is not willing to make the sacrifice for you and your relationship, you should sit her down and tell her your feelings. I was so happy to stumble across this article and the comments after a late night Google search on the issue thats destroying our marriage . Why do I not like being hugged? But one more thing..the not in love statementsat the beginning of a relationship its easy to feel all giddy and in loveafter time like a few years things settle down and you trade giddy in love feelings for steadfast solid true love. this kind of aversion comes with a whole lot of warnings and red flags. As a response to stress, your body makes a hormone called cortisol. I dont know your situation at all. I had researched him before hand on facebook and felt at ease because he was newly married (about 1.5 years) and his wife was incredibly beautiful. Due to his nature and personality, he could not understand my love language was very different than his, in addition to many other factors. We are just now trying to work on this. I have healed from it and I am ok with the idea of sex in general. They had not mirandized him or read a statement of charges to take him to jail, and till the second of janurary when an ACLU/ lawyer showed up with a write of habeus corpus Filed a 150 million dollar lawsuit and the union got the court order removed and started an investigation into the judges tenure that landed him in prison the county made my husband off limits to the legal system there and the next nine years was total chaos and intimidation with my husband using his fists to stop it all until he through me across that conference room and tried to murder his father, because we canceled him from the orient express without his permission, in 24 years I had offered ways for a peaceful life using other options available all were refused until he became ill with mrsa in his spine later in 2009, its now 9 years later and he.s still not trying to see things our way hes in our room right now I asked him to stay there until I can talk to my friend, the wife my husband broke all of his teeth out because he laid his hands in anger on my husband, hes filed charges against him mostly because he was trying to push him into boarding the next flight back to home. The comments about porn are wow. When we got divorced, I felt relieved and happy at the thought that no man would ever touch me again. I would have never married. Over the last 3-4 years I have completely lost my sex drive. Im afraid Im going to leave but then regret it later. Would have never got married if I knew this would happen. I will be praying for you. One, is I probably did not heal from my sexual trauma on an emotional level. I see the movie I want to see, I eat where i want to eat, I dont drag myself to backyard bbqs with the drunkards.. What youre describing is asexuality . WebAnd its started to feel disgusting when he touches my boobs when Im not in the mood. We endured that way for a couple more years but I went outside the marriage for relief and she found out. Sex Avoidance and Anxiety Disorders Now I want badly to be able to hold, kiss and caress her feet, but I fear that if she does have a sexual aversion, that asking her for this will repulse her. It makes me feel sad at times.. I am 27yrs old. But I am not necessarily excited or happy to oblige to have sex. I did not know there was a connection.. I would consider myself an empath or a highly sensitive person and I do think energy exchange is a big part of it. I am just praying that its over. We Need To Talk About Disgust Toward Sex When I had almost the exact scenario. I also grew up knowing that my father put a lot of pressure on my mother sexually and that made me extra sensitive to being used sexually, instead of being treated as an equal partner with sex being the natural outcome of that love. Melissa, I would really like to talk to you. I can touch him though. I have been to therapy, which helped a little but I still have the issues. I like men and women and I have messed around with both sexes a little when i was younger. Many cannot pinpoint any trauma. Were looking for help. Im very confused about myself, because I am in my early 20s, and its not that Ive grown into sexual aversion.but that its an on-and-off type of thing for me. STILL DONT. I hate sex,I dont want to even be touched. This was devastating for her and the worse part is, it was useless for me as I learned that this in no way made up for a lack of sex in our marriage. Mine came on all of the sudden during intercourse one day. Even though theyve done nothing to provoke such a reaction out of me. Sticking their filthy fleshy probes and squirting the toxins. I thought hed do most of the parenting. Does anyone know what this is? I feel like I have to make all the decisions and I feel that my boyfriend is just looking for an easy life without worries while I have to think about how to pay the bills, what to eat, what to plan, how to manage working and maintaining a household while he has no worries. We knew the cause: sexuality + anger, resentment, arguing, drinking = sexual aversion. Are these judgemental people as concerned now, about how incredibly unhappy you are ? I will offer one piece of advice that was given to me. I have been this way for most of my adult life, not because anything bad happened to me or I had a bad experience, I guess I am just one of those unfortunate people for whom sex is kind of like a turn off to me. Built your self esteem, get counciling, go to gym.,look in the mirror as say to yourself Im beautiful every day, have a more positive image about yourself, distance yourself from any toxic personalities that put you down and be patient.. Dont rush let it flow, keep building self esteem more and more and you will make threw this. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include: Its important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. The counselor we are seeing has told me so in private sessions and emphasized that I will need to be patient and let her come to that understanding in her own time, without pressure from me. > in 2009 he threw me across a conference roomafter telling him that it was the last time we would stop him from taking a vacation as he saw fit I was crying that we had given him offers of the mid winter time and if hje would have just availed himself of that offer any time in the last 24 years. Ive had this before with someone I loved very much, but once he revealed disappointment that he didnt get sex from me, as if I owe this to him or he is somehow entitled, this is where the repulsion kicked in. I also love him and would never leave him.. but Im just not feeling the sexual desire for him anymore. I have become very unstable. i have no feeling at all for sex, i feel like something is inserted in me, i dont know who to talk to and do about it.Its killing my confidence and relationships before even starting a family. I do not know what to do. I dont refuse sex now like I did until 2013, after he became angry I was going out for a dinner event, Told me I was not going to appear at said dinner with his father mother and on the arm of his fathers best friend unless I went nude not in a dress his pay paid for I was not going.. Like clearly, Im sleeping, doing homework, watching a video on my phone and he all of a It takes 2 to tango sweethear! Anger, yelling, lust, porn & lying. She never avoided my touch before marriage and is seemingly fine with non-sexual physical contact (hugging, kissing, hand holding) but I spent a decade getting my hand slapped when I tried for more. I was once walking at night to a club when I was about 25 years old, I was clothed from my neck to my ankles (the illusion of me is the perfect body size c breasts, little waist, the perfect hourglass) and then all of the sudden, I was surrounded by 6-7 very very drunk college idiots who then circled me like a pack of dogs (men are dogs bastards) and they were all trying to grab at me, licking their chops, making comments and trying to lift up my shirt I bulldozed it out of there and ran. God, I used to be at least somewhat normal. I have often wondered if there was someone else and even told him I would leave if he wanted. My husband could tell things had changed and actually wanted me to let him explore my body to find my sensitive spots so he would know how to turn me on. The agitation and hostility that arises from his sexual needs not being fulfilled to the extent he desires is felt by all of us in the home. So, I decided that, though I know I dont need to be in a relationship nor want to be (currently for the past 6+ years), that I need to release the pain from myself it does hold you back whether you want to admit it or not and I am now seeing a doctor my therapy: reiki, chakra balancing and accupuncture. That never happened! Youre absolutely right. This anxiety which is often unconscious, manifests itself in an inability to orgasm or, more often and inability to get an hold an erection. so theres that awesomeness to look forward to. Or even jokingly put someone down, even in jest. I have never been sexually abused, but havw been pinned down twice to the ground from two male family members/friend of the family because I refused to hug them (on seperare occasions) I have been mentally abused and called ugly most of my life. It could be attributing your own childrens transgressions with sex- it could even be a subway sandwich! My husband had been trained in two services in combat arts those young men walked into a buzz saw without warning. I try to tamp it down and go on but I miss that connection to her so much. I was never sexually abused, but did suffer a ton of verbal abuse throughout childhood. I wish you well. I am not certain if you are replying to the entire article, or to a specific person in the thread, but I think that it is fair to related lack of attraction to negative feelings if sex is involved. The limp dick syndrome is what that is. Anonymous (the person above me)that is not sexual aversion disorder. The minute that a sexual encounter feels expected, even if the person doesnt mean for it to come across that way, I completely shut down on all levels. Depression could make someone feel like their not happy about anything. I have to say that from what I am reading (at least people are being honest) I dont see any hope for our marriage. I love him so deeply but as a best friend. It makes me sad because I used to be the one chasing him around. is an entirely different power dynamic than having things done to you. Ive spent hours crying and trying to conjure up the courage to engage in sex. Then I discovered that sex and love addicts anonymous (a 12 step program) deals with sexual aversion very effectively. Its horrible and embarrassing. In my own life I have found healing by treating my aversion as an addiction. A sex therapist could be helpful, but a trauma therapist or couples counselor could also be beneficial, especially if you are having trouble talking about your past with your partner. I live in ventura ca and desperately need the name of a therapist that can help fiances trauma related sexual aversion, Thanks for your comment. If the cause is serious, seek professional help. I , with repentance and Gods help built my life back up. Hi Random_Person, I cannot advise you in any way, but you are not alone. Explain where your feelings come from. You almost have a condescending tone and thats the last thing she needs to hear. That jerk took it as I was just wanted sex and pursued me sexually. But his last statement that this should be dealt with as a medical problem is not necessarily incorrect. My husband pressured me for 31 years: It was if I allowed sex the flood gates would open on everything else he wanted in his life and people would get hurt in the process if I allowed what he wanted. I thought i was the only one going through this horrible situation, i use to love to touch, be touched and enjoyed sexual engagement with my husband but these days i feel so uncomfortable, irritable, lack of sexual desire and i dont recall any trouma in my childwood at all, he is all i ever wanted, soft, caring and wonderful man, what is wrong with me? I came here looking for information on my own sexual aversion and after almost a year of struggling with it, my own husband came clean and told me he has a porn addiction. Thank you for sharing your stories. Also, I disagree with you about Anonymous comment above. Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. Ive been married for almost 37 years and live my husband so much. Part of the issue is control if your partner is not trying to touch or arouse or pleasure you, and you are determining how and what and when you do things to them, then you have more control over the experience. Whats wrong with me? Like I have told therapists I know exactly what my issues are, how they came to be and what it will take in a normal situation to overcome/move past it. Find a good church to support you and make sure they are a solid by the book church like Calvary Chapel so you get the truth and not some weird cult. In other words, you could be Bi Polar with an aversion to sex also, but i personally DONT think that an aversion to sex is synonymous with Bi Polar disorder or that one begats the other. He cares more for me than anyone I have known but for me alcohol, regular drinking is like a wall. Though I can look at myself naked in the mirror now and accept it, releasing any blame I may have assigned to myself there isnt anything I can do about it and the only way I could have stopped it was for someone to tell me that I would be scarred and physically damaged by it, then I would have not had children at all. UGH, its so frustrating. Most of my friends detest my husband and he calls them the bunch from hades. I think that my problem comes from feeling guilty. I am hoping we are not to badly scarred and that there may be hope and some kind of treatment that can fix this huge problem of ours. I feel that the trauma that I have had is that while we were living together, he cheated me with his ex. and yes, sometimes that can seem rushed and perfunctory. We see each other a few days during the week for a couple of hours each visit. if I had not, I would have been gang raped in an alley and this happened in an affluent area of town one of the most expensive places in America to live. My life long intimacy anxiety causes me to prefer sex with strangers. Dont feel bad if you cant take it anymore. My former husband married me because he felt bad for me and wanted to do right by you, a single mom. Well, guess what, I now wont date, wont let anyone touch me and I dont want to. Narcissists come in both male and female form, and both should not be anywhere near a relationship. In this case, your husband should try to understand you and give you the support you need to seek help. I can live with the status quo. After a while, I began to get anxious just knowing my husband was interested in sex. What a relief. It does help to know Im not the only one, though. We raised 5 wonderful children together. We are at risk of falling apart. What do you think is wrong with him? However, if that heterosexual female is put in a situation where she is expected to have a sexual experience with that other female, it could very well lead to negative feelings. He thinks its because of the bad stuff that happened a few years ago, and again it probably has something to do with that of course, but I am constantly telling him No, Ive NEVER been interested. I was a virgin until I met him. WebIt is common that when someone is experiencing a disturbance in their emotional and mental health, they may not demonstrate as much affection as they would at other times. But, Im still looking forward to when my husband would rather read a good book :). And yes, that might include what youve defined as teasing wherein things dont progress to orgasm. When I finally decided that my partner was the guy I wanted to lose it to, it was because of our emotional connection. But no one ever said you cant have sex in the dark. He has said horrible things to me and it took a while to break me down but now/a lil while before, after anger set it, I did the same even when I promised myself I wouldnt. I try to start on the steps to get better however I have been going through this with my husband and I have tried to set boundaries as one of the steps indicate what do I do if my husband doesnt respect the boundaries I set and makes me feel that I have no choice and make him happy but giving into him and having sex with him or telling him that there are curtain kinds of sexual acts that I do not like and will never do he still asks for them. Dont Touch Me! A Guide to Understanding Touch Only within a relationship does my body shut down sexually and I am unable to perform. Step 4, move slow. I cant afford professional help though im hopeing this artical can help my husband understand what im going through. Some of us may be very, very sensitive to this. My husband never once held it against me or told me hed leave if I didnt give it up. My partner unhappy and unsatisfied was brewing heavily since his needs werent met. I do think from someone like this is rare to come by, as most men I have known are just terrible turn offs with the fit throwing and tantrums if they dont get what they want. So much emphasis is put on sex in our society. That came out a bit harsh. AHHHHH! I get this and have no idea why or what causes it. Instead of forcing his time for one that summer I lived at my mother the next two year while my husband father got him put under a court order requiring him to go to the court for his vacation request which for the next 13 years was never granted In 2000 hedecided he did not care what the court bwas going to or not going tio grant he was going to Bavareria with me over the milliniall holiday after the most horrible argument and my offer when we returned we would see to it he got time out of the plant He did not have to defy the court and the community over the holiday we would talk things through after the new century and try and find ways to go some place nice, If you have every heard the way a sailor can make you feel less than an inch tall it was one of those times He flattened the first two deputies that showed up to take him into custody then the next two caught him chasing his father around and two other men who tried to restrain him and they tassed him to his kneess. You will be fine. She has a tough time putting her feelings into words, so this helped. I learned to avoid physical contact with him, because he was going to demand sex if I dared even hold his hand. Though I know that after men mature, their predatory ways lessen, just when I think that I have met a good guy, it always seems to be proven that the man is in fact a lying, cheating sexual predator. How do I get hi to understand that he needs to stop or nothing is going to be fixed or repaired or even better. I believe that a man has to take care of the household finances, fixing up the place when things get broken down. Ive come beyond the PTS, but my sexual desire hasnt come back, and I feel like Im completely detached during sex. So in time and watching porn I couldnt get it up any more! I dont want to hug, and I certainly am not going to kiss you. I told her I think we should do different things and sex might be better. And I think that there should be a sort of solution for us to be satisfied but she says shell never change, and I dont know what to do honestly. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. This will involve MORE patience from the unhappy partner, but, keep in mind that the partner may also be the cause of the problem. *seeking advice from anyone with similar struggles* I get really frustrated with the anxiety I have surrounding sex. In part of my trying to reprogram my thoughts, I am going to decline my first instinct of denigrating men and relationships and instead say: I guess crazier things have happened I guess if GOD intervened and the man made the earth move. a love life is overrated for a lot of people, me included. It was with a prostitute and she found out about it. WebDisgust is an emotion to which I never gave much thought. Some common signs include: restlessness body tension frequent sexual thoughts and fantasies Frustration and repression occasionally play off each other. because I want to enjoy it and have sex like others do. I feel so bad for my husband because I dont love him any less and Im very attracted to him. We had a good sex life for the first 15 to 20 years but the last 10 have been celibate. One of the most important aspects of marriage is to work together when things are working out well. Those words sound like the preverbal message that I feel, might just be a contributing factor in some aversions: Men have sexual NEEDS. I would say, as a female, I would not blame you if you have an affair if your wife will not fulfill your needs. I experienced sexual trauma my first time and abuse by the same guy afterward. Genital response to sexual stimuli may be an evolved self-protection mechanism. I am trying to work out the strained relationship with my son he has some mental health issues and he too took advantage of me as far as my giving nature but that is because he is a man and the masculine energy is now contaminated and men are predators. I remain sexual with my husband because he has not become resentful of my situation. Male, married 41 years. Our sex life was amazing, and we talked all the time, and never could imagine a mmoment apart from each other. I DO love him, and I miss my sex drive! I do get a feeling of disgusts while having sex, even though I love him, but I still do it and take care of him. Web10 reasons why you feel disgusted when your husband touches you 1. I imagine she loves you dearly. Because of the clarity of the message and the gravity of the situation, disgust is easily infectious: When we see someone who is disgusted, we quite often experience disgust as well. Hi TC, It really does work.. Hey.. and dont learn to love your body for men.. do it for yourself. It is at the point now when he touches me, kisses me, etc. (Weve periodically had an open relationship, and she hasnt had this response with other lovers.) I would sit down and have a conversation with her on the way she is feeling just for clarification. I dont understand how this works because it feels good sexually and I still can reach climax so I dont know how thats so disconnected. In past times, explaining this just makes them feel guilty for having sex with me because they know I dont want to. Heartbreaking. That is easier said than done, but through counseling we are slowly getting to a place where we can discuss it. You were taught from a young age that sexuality and any natural sexual urges you had were wrong for that reason alone it is no surprise that you are struggling in this area. Its become normal. It had been a hard week and I just kept reliving the multiple arguments and his angry outbursts with me and the kids , and although we werent mad at each other at the moment , the thought of trying to fake sexual pleasure was beyond repulsive. As far as my body image goes, I have been trying to get over it for decades (my oldest is 22), I just cant seem to. The point is I understood two things from reading this article. Feeling repelled may not always be a sign of a state of beyond anxiety, in my opinion. Definitely see at least a marriage counselor, even if you go alone. Hey there. We are trying to fix all our issues and he is a good man (I choose to believe that because he came to me with this problem instead of me stumbling across it like a dirty secret it means that he really cares about this marriage) but I am scared that I will never enjoy sex again. Derision. It has been such a huge relief! I want to give her pleasure and see her lose herself in sensation for just a brief moment. I understand your choice to have them but I feel that the same would happen to me as well. Maybe youll meet someone at church. When I was more sexually active, I had this fear that if I dont have sex then my sexual libido will disappear completely, and when my recent partner started saying no to sex often, I found myself completely always turned off all the time. Yes.. your completely right in that it can make one feel embarrassed of this condition. Now its been over 10 years since we acted like a husband and wife in the bedroom. It doesnt help that my husband of 13 years doesnt show affection til he wants to play. Whoa! I wanted many times to have a sex life with my husband and even offered it as a reward in 2001 if he removed his bid for a new job and shift and let four younger seniority have the new department, shift, and plant. I once went to a clothes optional hot springs and went along with all the nakedness but I was thinking the whole time best to leave your clothes on, folks. He is using you for all the reasons you mentioned and getting a free ride leaving you without your peace and hurting your spiritual health. I still enjoy the thought of sex, picturing myself with a female celebrity for example or exes seems to work fine except with my wife. I want to tell you I was much like you and your age. It doesnt seem right to link `not feeling` something to `clearly negativ feelings`. My immediate reaction is to get away. His last words as he walked to the cab were well I guess you get an entire month off . I love him very much , you would think that love would allow me to do anything for him , but it doesnt ! Maybe that can lead to a solution of some kind. Do you know how frustrating that is? But even back thenon the first date or whatever, when it was still exciting and i was mad interested in a guy, id be all into doing it. We naturally feel disgusted She had a big belly hanging out of her crop top, with stretch marks and all., but the way she carried herself.. she walked confident and talked confident.. He made it work without cheating and without pushing me because thats not how relationships work. When she did it was as though she were relieved. Does the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? BM seems to be saying that she shouldnt tease by sexually stimulating without finishing the process, so to speak. AFTER THAT I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE. My mind starts replaying every recent argument or fight and I am left fighting this strong desire to shove him off of me and yell at him. When you blow off your partner. Now I make far better, and far, far healthier, decisions. I agree with you Melissa. I never even feel the desire to drink and rarely have a single drop of alcohol when he is away on a trip. If a person who has this cannot initially pinpoint an early sexual trauma, does that immediately rule out sexual trauma? So my situation feels a lot more traumatic than I can elaborate right now, especially after reading a few sentences.